squirrellias' Journal

(SPECIAL ENTRY) To my dear, but seemingly evil brother
I have a brother most of you know. He is 13 months younger than me (insert parents being busy joke now). We have an interesting relationship. At young ages we would play together, even though he always was kind of a loner. But more recently is when I am concerned with. Our relationship is no longer what you would call brotherly. Some will say sibling rivalry, and it may be on his part, but I can safely say I hold no resentment to my brother for such a silly thing. He has in many was become jealous and angered by anything I do that might bring me happiness. He is a malicious creature that lives and feeds off the hurt and pain of others. He enjoys hurting me. He is sadistic in the truest sense of the word. No feelings for those he doesn't love. To hurt another isn't causing pain in his eyes, but is an action which brings himself pleasure. But I will digress. This is not a hateful or libelous piece. It is a true and needed piece to help him and others understand this situation in hopes of it being repaired. One last time, there is no hate or malice in my words, just my perception of a very clear situation.

I was a fool to not lock my journal to friends only. I even posted my account name on kyddr.net in hopes that friends would want to read my journal. To be fair to myself, when I posted that and purposely didn't lock my journal, I did not write uber-personal things in it at that time, but mostly depressive pieces to let others know how I felt. Someone read my journal and then told my brother about my secrets, and then my brother attempted to mock me over my insecurities. He tried to hurt me where I was vulnerable the most, and without reason he did this. There was no provocation, there never was. It hurts to know, not that he knows my secrets, but that my brother, or anyone for that matter, would learn my insecurities and then maliciously attack me based upon them. I hate hate you might say. So anytime I see it used I am distraught and bewildered by the thought. I wonder how could any good compassionate creature do such a thing.

Why is my brother this way? I really can't say for sure. I put some blame on my parents for never adequately disciplining him. Still to this day he goes relatively unpunished for most of his offenses. I could cite many occasions where he was easily favored over me, but to go into that would require an entire piece about my parents as well. Can one be naturally evil? I do not think so. He is the way he is because he chooses to be. Why does he choose to be evil? As mentioned above his upbringing, but I do believe there is an X factor to which I do not know its nature.

To know a little more about my brother, so that you may better understand, is required. He hates any sign of intelligence I show. He gets extremely jealous upon any intellectual praise I receive. He calls me such petty things as "idiot" and "stupid" all the time. Constantly proclaiming, "you know, you're not as smart as you think you are." In response to this I am sure you are wondering if I do flaunt my intelligence. The answer to that is of course no. I am proud and honest of my intelligence, but I never do such a childish thing as simply brag about "how smart I am" or act superior to anyone for this reason. Another agitation of my brother is my friendships with his friends. He does not agree that we should have mutual friends. Anytime I hang out with or talk to his friends he gets insurmountably jealous. He is in-fact attempting to prevent me from making a trip to Lexington on the 26th of February to see Miss Sarah, simply because his friends will be there as well. (They will be there due to a Pump It Up gathering which is why Miss Sarah will be available.) To make this point ever clearer, when he sees me a frequent greeting of his is, "you know no one on kyddr likes you," and more recently, "no one will give you a ride to Lexington; no one likes you." How can one person be so mean and cruel to a fellow human being? You may ask, "yes this is awful, but is he physically violent as well," to which the answer is yes. Occasionally he lets loose and fights with me. If he knew that I would not rebuke this he would act upon his aggression much more often, however due to the little bit of a conscience he has, he only threatens me with sick and twisted words that if sown into reality would kill me. I don't know how evident I made my case to my readers, for they do not know the torture he attempts to put me through for just living. If you believe he is bad now, then I ensure you he is worse. I could continue on and illustrate many examples of unprovoked hostility and action toward me, but then I would be writing a book rather then a journal entry.

What is the point of this piece? The point of this piece is not to simply rant of my brothers wrong-doings, but to point them out and to hopefully help him realize that his actions aren't proper, necessary, or right. I wish to have a good loving relationship with my brother. I want no malice, hate, or hostility between us. I want mutual love; I want peace; I want us to be friends. I am making an extreme effort not to be bothered, or at least not to react too angrily, by his indiscretions against me. But though my efforts are important, without his mutual efforts there will be no end to our conflict, other then one of our deaths or separation. Though there is a long way to go I do see dim hope for us. I hope he reads this and realizes I do not hate him, but am just frustrated by his immaturity and hate toward me. Please stop this war. Let us both find sanctuary in the end of the bitterness. I pray for him and for this to stop. If he is laughing at this point while reading it, which he does frequently to make himself seem mature, then he once again failed to understand. But if he has been enlightened by my love and desire for friendship, then let us celebrate.

Please, all will be forgiven if you simply stop further attacks upon me.

Peace and love to all, and may God bless everyone.

Current Mood: Hoping for the end of hate

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